The real secret to making a relationship work (it's not just love)

You’ve probably heard the old saying: “opposites attract”. It’s a romantic idea, almost magical. We grow up believing that true love is the meeting of two completely different people who, by some miracle of fate, complete each other perfectly.

Opposites can attract in personality, but a relationship lasts when two people agree on what’s essential: values and life plans, like having kids, where to live and what to do with money. Differences in style add up, while differences in direction tend to wear things down over time.

The problem is that everyday reality usually charges a high price for that movie script. You go into the relationship thinking the differences will be overcome by passion, but you soon realize that rowing against the current of your own values creates a constant, invisible strain.

Psychology shows that differences in personality are in fact healthy and complementary. A more talkative person can get along great with someone more observant. One can be more organized, the other more flexible.

The real obstacle isn’t personality. It’s when your life values point in opposite directions.

What needs to match in a couple? The danger of getting the menu wrong

Imagine a relationship is like cooking lunch for two. You don’t have to do everything exactly the same way. One person can take care of the rice while the other seasons and cooks the meat. There’s nothing wrong with that; those are the small compromises and fair divisions of everyday life.

But you absolutely need to talk first and agree on what the main course will be.

Without that agreement, one person will make beef stroganoff while the other makes sushi. In the end, no matter how hard both of you worked in the kitchen, you’ll have two meals that simply don’t go on the same plate.

That’s exactly what happens when your core goals aren’t aligned: one wants to start a family and put down roots in a small town, while the other wants to spend the next decade traveling the world with no strings attached. Neither is right or wrong, but they’re dishes that don’t go together.

Can you expect your partner to change? The trap of silent hope

This is where most of us fall into the biggest trap in romantic relationships: the silent hope that the other person will change.

Many people realize early on that their partner’s “menu” is completely different, but they swallow the discomfort, expecting that with enough time and love, the other person will change their mind. We think: “once we move in together, he’ll want kids” or “in time, she’ll want to settle down”.

That unspoken hope is cruel. It steals time and energy from both people and leads to huge frustration down the road. You end up holding the other person accountable for something they never promised to be.

The big adjustment you need to make, as the hero of your own story, is to understand, map out and communicate your non-negotiables right from the start. Being clear about what you want for the future isn’t being too demanding. It’s taking responsibility for protecting yourself and the person you’re with.

Writer and philosopher Antoine de Saint-Exupéry summed up this idea in a brilliant, timeless way:

“Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.”

You don’t need someone just like you. But you do need, without a shadow of a doubt, someone who is hungry for the same life you want to build. As a couple, you need to define the goals for your future together.

To get the menu right for two, here are three more reads:

• Relationships have their ups and downs. Maybe you’re not handling your relationship with yourself very well, and here’s why being real brings people closer than being perfect.
• When frustration hits, shutting yourself off seems like the safest path, but see why loneliness is always the worst choice.
• Not every plan needs to be shared with everyone. See who deserves to enter each room of your house.

Editor’s note: We all have that friend who insists on dating someone headed north while they desperately want to go south, swearing that “love conquers all”. Send this article their way. Maybe it’s time for them to stop trying to mix stroganoff with sushi and learn to agree on the menu before walking into the kitchen.